New Film

The Dictator

New TV Shows

Johnny Carson: King of Late Night

New Comedy

Reggie Watts: A Live at Central Park

Jonah Ray:  Hello, Mr. Magic Plane Person, Hello

Chris Maddock: Point of Entry

New Books

I Suck at Girls by Justin Halpern

And Finally

Way back in the day when we were toddling lads, the stupid decisions we made that took us to the emergency room included jumping the bike off a homemade ramp, throwing gas on the campfire, and sticking pebbles up our nose.  Kids these days not only seem to be growing up faster (at least to the young adult phase at which point they seem to stall) but they also find more exotic and expensive ways to get into trouble.   This is what came to mind when we read about a study to be published in the June edition of Pediatrics (you can borrow our copy if your subscription has expired) in which they report that the number of battery-related emergency room visits by children has doubled in a recent decade-long period.  Now if you are of an age similar to ours (not that we are going to tell you) then you will likely think first of being splashed by battery acid or of being clunked in the noggin’ by a chucked D cell.  However, in these cases the poor dears are being damaged by those cute, coin-sized button batteries that they are inserting in their noses and ears or, worse yet, ingesting.  While the insertion in a readily available orifice is mostly a nuisance, the ingestion is actually a deadly serious situation not merely because of the threat of choking but because, if it becomes stuck in the throat, the button battery can emit enough electricity to burn a hole in the esophagus within two hours.  The researchers found that only 29% of button batteries involved in accidents came from toys and games with the remainder be used in adult-oriented electronic devices such as watches, calculators, flashlights and remote controls.  So keep a close eye on the little ones and bear in mind that, while you and I might have tested the slogan “takes a licking and keeps on ticking” by strapping a watch on our wrist and telling a buddy to whack it with a baseball bat, the tots of today will not only lick the Timex watch but they just might eat the damn thing.

New Films

God Bless America

Bonsai – US release

New Comedy

Bobcat Goldthwait: You Don’t Look the Same Either

Graham Elwood: Palm Strike Dance Party

New Books

In One Person: A Novel by John Irving

This Is How by Augusten Burroughs

And Finally

Most likely you are familiar with Oscar Wilde’s theory that “Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life” even if you weren’t aware that he was the one who wrote it.  However, you are probably less familiar with the corollary theory that “Life imitates South Park far more than South Park imitates Life” because we just made it up.    We felt compelled to create this extension after reading an article about pills being imported into South Korea from China that contained human flesh.   To quickly review, back in the the 7th season of South Park in an episode entitled “Krazy Kripples” a character based on the late actor Christopher Reeves campaigns for stem cell research in order to help people such as himself who have suffered from spinal cord injuries.   In one of the most shocking plot devices ever used on the show, the South Park rendition of Superman is shown cracking open fetuses and sucking out their juices in order to regain mobility and strength.  What kind of demented mind thinks up these things, we could only wonder.  However, it is one thing to think of them and draw them, but it is entirely a different matter to (literally) swallow these beliefs.  Which brings us back to the article about the efforts of South Korean customs officials to stem the flow of pills being brought into the country from China containing the material of aborted fetuses and dead infants that have been dried and ground into a powder.   Now some would say that our shock is emblematic of our unfamiliarity of Asian cultural practices – like ingesting tiger penises, shark fins, and panda cheeks – but we think it stems from a persistent inability to distinguish from the animated world and the real world.  (South Korea is home to many animation studios.)  We truly hope that this is the case and so we offer the following public service announcement:  HELLO TO OUR FRIENDS IN SOUTH KOREA!  HOW YA DOIN’?  UMM, OK, HERE’S THE DEAL…SOUTH PARK IS NOT REAL.  THOSE KIDS – STAN, KYLE, KENNY AND CARTMAN – DO NOT EXIST.  YOU CAN NOT GET STRONGER, OR GET MORE STAMINA, OR BE MORE VIRILE BY EATING FETUSES OR DEAD INFANTS.  THAT WAS JUST A CRUDE, TASTELESS JOKE.  (WHO JUST SAID IT WAS A TASTY JOKE?!?)  PLEASE STOP.  NOW.  PLEASE.  THANKS.

New Films

The Avengers

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

And Finally

Though we have never actually seen it, one of our favorite films is Snakes on a Plane.  Of course, the reason we love it is because it is most self-evident move title ever.  As far as elevator pitches go, you could sell the concept before reaching the second floor, cast it before the third and have it funded by the fourth.  One of those rare cases when both the studio and the audience know exactly what they will be getting.  A question the movie title prompts, and is not so self-evident, is what they really do put in the cargo holds of planes other than luggage.  We began to ponder this question after recently reading that Lufthansa, the German air carrier, transported 110 million creatures through its Frankfurt facility during 2011.  This number exceeds the 106 million human passengers served by the airline worldwide during the same period.  What in the world are they putting down there in the hold?  Turns out that it’s a lot of dogs and cats (over 14,000, to be exact), pigs, horses (most notably thoroughbred race horses), and zoo animals ranging from white rhinos to penguins to beavers.  However the most frequent flyers are tropical fish (over 80 million served) and worms (300 tons).  Seriously.  Worms.  Apparently that live bait dangling on your hook started its life in a factory in China.  So, let’s see.  It’s called Feeding Frenzy and its about a plane carrying voracious, fast-growing tropical fish and a mess of worms, piloted by Charlie Sheen when all of a sudden….There’s got to be a screenplay in there someplace.  Anyone want to take a meeting?

New Films

The Five-Year Engagement

Bernie

The Giant Mechanical Man

The Pirates!  Band of Misfits – U.S. release

Headhunters – U.S. release

New Comedy

Patton Oswalt:  Finest Hour – DVD release

Paul F. Tompkins: Laboring Under Delusions

Ralphie May: Too Big to Ignore

New TV Season

The Ricky Gervais Show – season three

New TV Show

Veep

And Finally

We definitely have a soft spot in our hearts for those individuals who willingly take on tasks faced with insurmountable odds.  Like, for example, those who try to convince Americans to eat more kale.  We first became acquainted with kale, a form of cabbage, via a wonderful episode of Cheers where Woody Boyd is cast in a commercial promoting a health drink called “Veggie Boy,” a blend of broccoli, cauliflower and kale.   Woody is crestfallen when he takes his first sip of Veggie Boy and realizes that he most certainly does not like kale and has therefore been defrauding the American public.  Who knows how many heads of kale have gone unsold since that episode aired in late 1990.  Thus, the task was already exceedingly hard when graphic artist Bo Muller-Moore began printing t-shirts with the slogan “Eat More Kale” to help a local farmer sell a bumper crop of kale.  The road got even tougher when this slogan invoked the ire of attorneys for Chick-Fil-A who claimed that this slogan was too similar to the fast food company’s “Eat Mor Chikin.”  Of course, neither the company nor its attorneys have been able to document a single case where an unsuspecting consumer left the home hankerin’ for some Chick-Fil-A grub and instead wound up with a vegetable possessing a pungent aroma and a loose head.  Chick-Fil-A is well-known for promoting the Christian values of its founder which leads us to hope that tighter heads prevail and the company will render unto Caesar that which belongs in a Caesar salad.

New Stand-Up

Jim Gaffigan: Mr. Universe

Donald Glover: Weirdo

Lisa Lampanelli: Equal Opportunity Offender (The Best Of)

Joey Coco Diaz: It’s Either You or the Priest

New TV Season

Eagleheart – season two

And Finally

“To boldly go where no man has gone before.”  Trekkies will immediately recognize this phrase from the title sequence of Star Trek as narrated by William Shatner.  Based on a news snippet we read this week, maybe it would have been more fitting if it had been read by George Takei.  We are referring, of course, to the announcement that starting in 2013 the Miss Universe pageant will allow transgender women to compete for the title.  This change was the result of a request by Jenna Talackova, a Vancouver woman who began life as a member of the male gender, to participate in this year’s competition.  In keeping with the theme of the five-year mission of the Starship Enterprise, 2013 will mark the fifth year that Ms. Talackova underwent her sex change operation.  This change will certainly have ripple effects throughout the Universe and will test the logic that men are from Mars and women from Venus.  Paging Dr. Spock.

New Film

The Cabin in the Woods

Life Happens

New TV Series

Girls

Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23

New TV Season

The Big C – season three

Nurse Jackie – season four

New Comedy

Doug Loves Movies: Back in Minneapolis

New Books

Drop Dead Healthy by A.J. Jacobs

And Finally

When you hear the word “smuggling” the most common thoughts are:  drugs, illegal aliens, cigarettes, counterfeit goods, and the like.  Money doesn’t come as quickly to mind and, if it does, you typically think of money being smuggled out of the country.  Germany, the last safe haven in continental Europe, has the opposite problem.  There people try to smuggle Euros into the country in order to avoid paying customs duties on the importation of excess currency.  Apparently one of the more popular methods is to stuff rolled bills inside hollow chocolate products and Easter eggs.   We appreciated the ingenuity of the person who decided to give it a go by rolling up paper currency inside aluminum foil and then baking it inside a bun.  Sadly, customs officials got a whiff of this scheme and seized the contraband (or would that be the contra-buns) at the Frankfort airport.  Gives a whole new meaning to the concept of rolling in the dough.

New Films

Damsels in Distress

New Books

Sacre Bleu: A Comedy d’Art by Christopher Moore

New Comedy

Jo Koy: Lights Out

JB Smoove: That’s How I Dooz It

And Finally

Last week we discussed the apparent lack of creativity and original, good ideas.   No sooner had we typed those words then we came across an article in the Thursday, March 29, edition of the Wall Street Journal.  Will Rogers, the great American humorist, would always say:  “All I know is what I read in the papers.”   And we too find that many of the humorous situations that we like to report on start as articles  from the papers, often from what would be considered unlikely sources, and then we add our own unique spin.  However, the article we referenced above, written by Sarah Nassauer, was so perfect that there was no way could paraphrase it or otherwise re-write it without destroying the droll brilliance that pervades virtually every sentence.   Again, we claim no copyright, authorship or ownership of this content.

‘Larry,’ Quaker of Oatmeal Fame, Gets a Makeover – WSJ

The rosy-cheeked, white-haired man smiling out at you from the Quaker Oatmeal box is getting a haircut, losing some weight and dropping about five years from his age.

Known among insiders as “Larry,” the venerable Quaker man on the logo is getting a makeover as part of a wider effort by owner PepsiCo Inc. to reinvigorate the brand globally. It hopes to keep the 134-year-old brand “fresh and innovative,” says Justin Lambeth, Quaker’s chief marketing officer.

Consumers associate the logo and brand with heritage, trust, and quality, says Patrick Rowell, director of strategy for Hornall Anderson, Quaker’s brand-design firm. And today, people associate oatmeal with “energy and healthy choices,” he says.

To signal these qualities in the logo without losing a sense of history, Hornall Anderson made small adjustments. (The firm won’t say how much it was paid for the revamp.)

Larry now shows his shoulders, making him seem stronger and more vibrant, says Michael Connors, Hornall Anderson’s vice president of design. Trimming his hair makes him look lighter and his neck longer. “It’s the same neck,” says Mr. Connors, but the haircut “makes him look thinner.”

Hornall Anderson also removed his double chin and smoothed the rolls and plumpness in his face and neck. “We took about five pounds off him,” says Mr. Connors.

Quaker didn’t want to make him look too young, so he still has crow’s feet and “a little sparkle in his eye,” says Mr. Connors

The color red is prominent in the new logo. Two blocks in slightly different tones form the backdrop. The shift in shades “adds a sense of movement,” says Mr. Connors.

The logo’s new shape, and a band of gold along the bottom chevron suggest “a seal of quality” on every box, says Mr. Rowell. They also added “Est 1877″ to reinforce a message of tradition, quality and trust.

Subtlety was a primary aim. The “goal is not to have anyone notice that he is different,” says Mr. Connors.”

Go to the WSJ web site and see the before-and-after images and you too will see that they succeeded completely in their mission to make changes that no will notice.    Now that’s mad, man.

New Films

Mirror Mirror

Goon

Turn Me On, Dammit! – US release

Books

Chomp by Carl Hiaasen

New Comedy

The Benson Interruption – The Podcast: Episode 13

And Finally

There is no question that the world is running short on really good, original ideas.  Turn on the radio, go to the local movie theater, visit an art museum, eat at the neighborhood restaurant and you will see evidence all around that true creativity is a rarity.   Even the supposed professionals are literally at their wits end.  Last week alone we witnessed Kraft Foods, a marketing giant, unveil the new name for their snacks business which they have dubbed Mondelez, and Nissan announced that their new aspiration brand will be…Datsun.  Thus, it was to our pure delight to read the following headline in the local newspaper:  “Senior Banned From Bringing Porn Actress to Prom.”  Read the headline again and let it sink in for a moment.  If you are a red-blooded male over the age of 14 there should be one of two thoughts that immediately go through your head.  The first is “genius” and the second is “why didn’t I think of that?”   These responses, of course, indicate that you have been lucky enough to be in the presence of a truly original, creative idea.  At its core prom represents three main concepts:  the spring season, the hope that something special will occur, and eternal memories.  What better way to try to achieve all three than by bringing a porn actress.  The brilliance of this idea was in its simplicity.  The hero of this story simply tweeted various actresses until he found one willing to accompany him to the big dance provided he paid for her transportation from California.  (As far as we know the local film board has not been successful in luring the production of skin flicks to our neck of the woods.)   Sadly, as it often the case, genius is not always recognized and appreciated by the authorities and our hero has been blocked by the school district superintendent who declared that this unorthodox prom date would violate several school policies.  It’s too bad because it would have probably made it the high school’s best. prom. ever.  Or at the very least it’s best attended.  Just goes to show that a good idea is hard to find.

New Stand-Up

Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious

New TV Show

Bent

New TV Season

Check it Out! with Dr. Steve Brule – season two

And Finally

Spring has come early to our neighborhood and that has put us in a good mood. So, we thought that this week we’d do something a little different and play a game with you. It’s a word association game. We’ll say a word and then you say the first thing that comes to your mind. C’mon, it’ll be fun. Okay, here we go…..rhubarb. RuPaul? Okay…sure…didn’t expect that. But makes some sense. Someplace, somewhere there is sure to be a cross-dresser who goes by the name RuBarb. Let’s try another one….casket. Death??? Whoa, now that one we really didn’t see coming. We were thinking sex.

At least we were after reading a recent article about a Polish casket maker who promotes its product line using a calendar of sexy pin-up girls draped across its wares. The company in question, Lindner, claims to be the superpower of coffin production in Europe and produces over 12,000 per month. In the past the Polish government provided a rather generous death benefit which caused many Poles to splash the cash for more expensive Italian caskets. That benefit has since been reduced and Lindner is out to grow its market share and is using its calendar to capture more attention. A quick browse through the calendar brings a whole new meaning to the term “the stiff.” Admit it…you were thinking the exact same thing.

New Films

21 Jump Street

Jeff, Who Lives at Home

Natural Selection

Juan of the Dead – U.S. release

New Comedy

Them Idiots:  Whirled Tour

New TV Season

Bob’s Burgers – season two

South Park – season sixteen

And Finally

In the classic war-based sitcom M*A*S*H, Walter “Radar” O’Reilly possessed the uncanny ability to sense things before they actually happened.  Most notably, Radar could detect the arrival of helicopters bearing wounded before the sounds of the spinning rotor blades were audible to anyone else.  Radar was ahead of him time in another way that is only now becoming obvious.  Whereas the other staff and docs in the MASH unit liked to unwind between surgeries by imbibing on hooch from BJ’s homemade still, Radar’s preferred beverage was the non-alcoholic Grape Nehi.

Recently the U.S. Navy and Marines announced that they will begin a program of random breath tests for military personnel on duty.  Military officials state that this new policy is necessary in order to keep soldiers healthy and safe, and the results will be used to identify individuals who need counseling and/or treatment.  What we find most interesting is that soldiers who report for duty and fail the breath test will not be allowed to go on duty.  Back in the day, Maxwell Klinger donned a dress and a brooch in an attempt to get out of duty, now he would just need to down a few more glasses of that hooch.

Save up to 50% Off BBC Britsh TV Sale at BN.com!